Friday, October 01, 2004

i had a bad day again

man all day i was in a bad mood i dont know why i think all this thinkin is gettin to me maybe its cuze i am scared of what is gonna happin soon i know its gonna happin soon i can feel it i kinda want it to just so that i can get it over with so i dont have to worrie about it all the time you sat me down beside myself with all the reasons i was wrong for you im gonna over come this paper harts cant win this time and all along i should have known this wasnt your dream it was mine man this song is fuckin mind warpin hehe alot of the songs i listen to are its great i wonder just how much i have changed in this year ha ha ha alot i still dont wanna live tho feels like im drowning in this firewater lake i do seriously i dont wanna live no more this is bullshit i cant live like this and i cant change the way i am so im kinda fucked but eh ill just fuck wit people till i die maybe people will get mad enuf at me and kill me that would be the shit texas crys look inside but i feel you i dont know why you run away when i need you man fuck i cant stop thinkin about kd i know im gonna end up seein her sometime soon i dont know what im gonna do im leanin toward kinda just runnin away cuze i dont think i can handle it i know its been like forever but i dont know i still feel the same as i did back then and well it hurts and i know i fucked up and its my fault so what the fuck can i do i sure the fuck dont know man why did tony have to be like that and fuckin make me think about her all tellin me to give her the letter i wrote her i got my reasons fer not giveing it to her i dont want her to have to deal with it wher she is like she said im part of her past and she has to move on yea so like what i herd was i was gettin left in the past with all the feelings that we shared in the past i wish i could go back but i know i would still just fuck up this is bullshit man i cant do this forever i already kinda started cuttin again but its ok cuze well noone can see them so its kinda like ther not ther so its kool its like a lil secret that i just kinda told but eh i dont think anyone is gonna read this whole thing so fuck it i dont know why but i am usein my blog as a way to vent i was doin ok holdin it to myself till emly all wanted me to talk about it and shit but it would have taken too long so i didnt i think i might have talked to her about it dont know why but i think she would have understood me and well i guess thats kinda what i want in a way i wish people did understand me but no noone dose well some one did but i fucked that up and since then i havent really let anyone get to know me i guess it is easier to just kinda fake it damn man im a fuckin poser damn im a loser i hate me but yea this so aint gonna make sence to anyone that reads it if any one dose ther are kinda song lyrics just randomly scattered about in this so ehh when i read it later i will understand it but then i kinda know what i am sayin just noone else dose i dont know what is wrong with me i just know something is wrong with me hahaha tonite emly asked me how long my longest realtionship was and i told her but my average is like 2 mouths i got lucky one time and it was kool fer like 3 years but i was young and those days are so far gone that it dont even like to think about them besides i dont have anything to offer any girl so i dont see how i can compet with everyone else atleast not now maybe some time like down the road and shit i might have something but that is a long time away and i dont know if i will make it so fuck worriein about it i am done here my work is done i kinda feel a little better but i still think im gonna end up bleedin by morning i always am but fuck it we bleed just to know we are alive

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey hun....I read that whole long thing....and like if you need to talk get ahold of me i'll listen and i think i could understand.....and even if i can't understand everything i can listen atleast and let you talk.....so if you need to i am here for you....i was always here for you and always will be and thats bullshit you not having anything to give a girl cuz you do your a really great guy and sweet and if other girls don't see that then fuck them your better then those kinds of girls......but for real you are a good guy even if you sometimes have a hard time keeping shit together all people are like that......but you gotta stop being so hard on yourself......you are like one of the best guy i ever dated Jeff we had some pretty good times and I care about you still so just talk to me
Emly

October 2, 2004 at 10:59 AM  

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