Friday, October 29, 2004

dude

man yesterday i was so fuckin sick all i did was sleep and puke like all the fuck over this fuckin town i dont know what the fuck it was i feel a little better but still feel kinda sick i need to get something to drink and i hope that fuckin alex and ali come up here today that would be cool last nite alex called me i had the best fuckin idea she needs to dress up like a nurse and take care of me when i am sick that would be kick ass

and why the fuck is jazzy gonna kill masen thats not rite man

but yea i think im gonna go puke and try to find something to drink

ha ha i havent eatin fer like 4 in the mornin yesterday

i lost 10 pounds yesterday thats fuckin bullshit man my stomic hurts

Monday, October 25, 2004

the tussin

frankly the feelins fuckin fantastic im trippin like jesus in the desert when he fasted no ball to be bustin no fightin no cusing just love fer a drug called robotussin the tussin the tussin ROBOTUSSIN the tussin

yea i wanna go on a tussin trip now man i think im gonna go skatein like to the skate park and shit ill see if masen wanna go to

612 wolf avenue i know wher that is thats an a abandon warehouse next to melon shakers the uh gentalmens club

man yea im fuckin high

alcohol still numbs the pain

man i just cant fuckin wake up today this is like the third time i have been outta bed i just cant fuckin wake up so i think im gonna go back to bed til somethin cool happens then i might get outta bed

my eyes just wont open i dont know what i have been smokein

theis bad habbits are mine to quit


Sunday, October 24, 2004

man alex i tried to call

i tried but it didnt work so yea i think im gonna go to masens and shit and then i dont know fuckin yea im gone

ya dumb bitch

man this is fuckin bullshit im so fuckin board now i dont know what to do me and tony have been skatein like all fuckin day and shit and now i dont know what ther is to do im so fuckin board i wanna talk to alex ha ha i miss her ha ha i want to go to cushing and see her i think im gonna call her tonite dont know when maybe like 930 10 somewere in ther if not sooner man i dont feel good now i fuckin think im gettin a slight heat stroke its fuckin cool i fuckin jumped off a kicker today and landed on a table and almost got offbut not quite i did ollie on the box and went off it it was fun i only fell like 3 times i was ther fer like an hour and some then i went to sparkys and got a free pop cuse my buddie was workin she is cool but yea im gonna go now

Saturday, October 23, 2004




Barren Desiree is a Gloomy Ghoul
adopted at SuicideKitten.com

i want one.....

last nite i was so fucked up

man last nite was well it was the coolest shit fer a long time i saw alex then she left me and told me to go party cuse it was friday and shit so i went home then i got a call and went to a party and got all really drunk and really really high like i smoked like 7 joints and like 5 bowls and just sat around chuggin some alcohol like some perterican rum and some vodka it was kool ha ha i was so fucked up

Friday, October 22, 2004

hello darkness my old freind

yea well i gots ta clean my room and shit just incase alex comes to town she is spost ta be comein here fer a football game or some shit o yea the shatterbone concert is tomarrow i think im fuckin goin to it ha ha man but yea i dont know what i want to say here so im gonna go now

Thursday, October 21, 2004

man i am fuckin tired

man im fuckin tired like a mutha fucker and im like really really tired and shit and fuckin high ha ha i get to see alex tomarrow i got to clean and shit and go and get some things befer she gets here im so gonna go crazy thinkin about it but ehh i kinda like it man i think im gonna go and smoke a fuckin joint and go to bed






so fuck myself could somebodie stop this i need some fuckin help cuse ther all just better than me

i got court commin up i stole truck got a bitch pregnat and im broke as fuck

man fuck this and fuck you except fer alex i miss alex im gonna go now

fuckin dumb bitch

man my fuckin mom all had to go and fuck our computer up and shit but she did it like a fuckin moron dumb bitch she fuckin unplugged the fuckin dsl motem and shit then she called the servis number on it and shit and fuckin made me get outta bed and shit to come out here and tell the dude on the phone he was a fuckin retard and that my mom just unplugged the shit all tellin me its fried from bein misused fuckin judgemental muther fucker just cuse a mutha fucka all be really high when he talk to you on the phone yo ass thinks he dont know how to fuckin plug some shit into a fuckin wall dumbass mutha fucka ill fuckin kill him if i ever find out who the fuck he is dumb ass god now i got to go get fuckin high again... ha ha like its a bad thing... but yea i gotta do it all again and shit and get up at fuckin 830 to go to court then cruse around and go back to court later mutha fuckas this is fuckin stupid damn but ehh im gonna go think about alex and get high and go to bed and maybe i will dream about her that would be cool since like i dont get to see her thats fuckin bullshit god damn my mom is a fuckin retard

der der der
^^^thats my mom talkin^^^

see she is a dumb ass god damn her i was havein a good ass dream til i got woke up now i bet i wont go to sleep fuckin bitch




i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






i miss alex






good nite mutha fuckas

peace out

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

to tell the truth rite now im getting away with murder

hey mutha fuckas get ready fer some killin shit whoo hoo check out the smile its the game show host wit da most rite now you aint shit so spin the fuckin wheel

man im board i went skatein and now im all sweaty and smelly i think i need to take a fuckin shower ha ha ha me shower ha ha thats why im called stinky stink whuts up bitch nah i do need a shower tho

man time needs to go faster its like 916 and i got to wait like an hour and shit to call alex man thats a long time thats a really fuckin long time

man some ppl need to just feel better about themselves

your just a bitch my nigga

YES my neice emily is carryin my skateboard around like she owns that shit its the coolest thing i have seen all day

i wanna call alex but its only been 10 mins

man shit been hard fer me fer real fer about 5 years my life been a fuckin down hill

ying yang anything and we aint gonna change fuck me no nigga fuck you we keep it real fer those who be throwin them bones gettin drunk at our shows smokein nuttin but drow

man damn



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yea fuck it im outta here this is dumb







alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex

had a bad day again

man this is bullshit im fuckin board ha ha im pretty fuckin high too its great i fuckin saw fuckin jerry today he was drivein his fuckin nova its pretty bad ass but my LTD was better it was the greatest car of all times but yea im fuckin high so im gonna go now spost ta be gettina call...................HAHA!

i miss alex so bad now its almost two weeks and shit im gonna freak

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

twizted - she said

is the shit

the best remedy is revenge on people who wouldnt listen

its on my mind all i ever think about its dieing in spit of me living in hell bringin me down im outta touch with reality fuck it im out every one in this mutha fuckas hearing me now

yea im board and high



Monday, October 18, 2004

i herd damn boy you done good

man i wanna go see alex but i aint gots no ride man i need to get a job so i can get a car and shit and go down ther to see her like everyday and shit ehh well i dont know what to do so im gonna wait till she calls me and shit man im fuckin in a bad mood now i dont really have a reason to be in a bad mood i just am so fuck all yall

the movement of a hand by bright eyes.......... its the shit

You follow the footsteps echoes leading down a hall to a room.
There is music playing tinybells with moving parts.
Here the shadows make things ugly, an effect quite undesirable.
The bold and yellow daylight grows like ivy across the wall and bounces off of the painted porcelain, tiny dancing doll.
Her body spins, as she pirouettes again, the world suddenly seems small.
On an off white, subtle morning you stretch your legs in the front seat.
The road has made a vacuum where our voices used to be.
And you lay your head onto my shoulder, pour like water over me.
So if I just exist for the next ten minutes of this drive that would be fine.
And all the trees that line this curb would be rejoicing and alive.
Soon all the joy that pours from everything makes fountains of your eyes because you finally understand the movement of a hand waving you good-bye.

damn man

yea im fuckin high as a mutha fucker man ha ha straight ut i may be ugly at least i aint gots no money just cuse you gotta car you wanna be drivein it and shit bitch you aint famous ha ha ha im such a fuckin loser

Sunday, October 17, 2004

well fuck it then

yea well im fuckin board and im gonna go now fuck it

you left me here beside myself left me with all the reasons i was wrong fer you

man everyone should get the song
i dreamed i died
its by devildriver
its the shit
and the song scars the echo song
by element eighty

you left me with scars on my hart all you did fer me was tear my world apart

man i dont know what im doin here im gonna go

Saturday, October 16, 2004

destroy all

hows the ride alrite a little rough but alrite a little dark but thats ok i dreamed i died

man i dont know what i am gonna do today so fuck it man i need to go do something befer i freak out on someone so damn boy you done good did everything that you should AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOK AT ME!!!!

wondering about shit

man i wonder whats gonna happen tomarrow i think i might take my letter to tonys and leave it ther like when they gone and shit but then again i dont think i will i think it would cause more bad than good
you said that we would always be freinds you said our love would never end all you gave to me was scars on my hart all you did was tear my would apart
yea thats what im talkin about element eighty knows whats up scars on my hart man i dont need this shit i dont want this shit
i wonder what alex is doin rite now i wonder if she is thinkin about me i wonder if when i think about her if like her nose itches ha ha im dumb
i wonder if i should just kinda run away
and all you did fer me was tear MY WORLD APART, SCARS ON MY HART!!
man this is fucked up i didnt sleep last nite and i was tired like befer i started to think about shit and then i was all like awake and shit i think i will prolly end up goin skatein later ill prolly skate most of tomarrow just skatein and thinkin til i call alex
i wonder if i am gonna need to talk tomarrow
i wonder if like i should quit thinkin
i think so
i dreamed i died it seems alrite at times a little rough maybe a little dark but thats alrite and then i herd damn boy you done good did everything that you should boy you did good then the skys opened up and my sight was clear and what i had done was just fer a little fun when i hear the call i will bury them all i will destroy all look at me my whole life black mold on my eyes my whole life rite in front of my eyes
damn man wait and bleed is really starting to piss me off i always think of the same shit like all the time its always this fight it kinda went along with the musik it would have been a good video fer the song i wonder round were you cant see inside my shell i wait and bleed
yea well i think im gonna get really mad so im gonna go now

fuck off
i hate you
i wish you were dead
ill fuckin kill you myself
dumb bitch
no
thats not rite
man fuck this
she needs to die
no i need to die
no
fuckin cunt
bitch
slut
whore
filthy fuckin bag
god i wish you were dead

yea i think im done now
peace

yea i wanna talk to alex
im gonna go punch myself in the head fer awhile

ha ha ha ha ha its kinda like when it all started ha ha ha ha ha

once a long time ago i cought a glimps of you alone and i was so very scared but i took the thoughts and stipped them clear and said hey now who you loving saw you on the television i see sound from all around

and everything i thought was rite is now wrong and i just wish ther was somewher else that i could be

she climbed out on to the fire escape and said what are you doin you know its late ppl told me that you were back but im kinda wonderin why is that

yea i wanna be with alex rite now

Friday, October 15, 2004

i got a new skateboard

HA HA i gots me a new skateboard ha ha i had to work fer it tho but it was kool i got a skateboard fer workin out fer a few hours fuck it im outta her

o shit man kd comes home fer a visit tomarrow.........man

Thursday, October 14, 2004

killa

ok well i guess i miss you too jazzy but yea i dont know what to say here i am just listenin to some musik befer i go to bed

marsh lagoon
texas crys
the movement of a hand
listen
fuckmyself
the taste of ink
i see sound


so if i just exist fer the next ten minutes of this drive i will be fine and all the trees that line this curve will be rejoicing in a lie.... soon all the joy that pours from everything makes fountains of your eyes cuze you finaly understand the movement of a hand waiving.... good, bye!

yea the movement of a hand is the shit

chem me up spit me out enjoy the taste in your mouth look at me look at you neither of us know what to do ther may not be another way to your hart so i guess i better find a new way in and i shiver when i hear your name i think about you but its not the same i wont be satisfied till im under your skin.............shiver


is it worth it can you even hear me stand in with your spotlite on me
so here its in my hands and ill savor every moment of this so here i am alive atlast and ill savor every moment of this
as long as your alive here i am i promise i will take you ther

yea im gonna go and talk to someone so fuck it im outta here

i dreamed i died

well im so fuckin out of it rite now i was tryin to send the song the movement of a hand to cindy and shit fer like an hour then it just kinda booted me off the internet and fucked it all up but ehh ill do it some day but im gonna go i just wanted to finish listenin to this song but its over now so fuck it im out

suburban life so pretty and clean suburban life aint what it seems suburban life the american dream the system got you but it wont get me tweaked out nites o what a feeling yea im done

alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex alex

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

fuckin shit man

i cant stop thinkin about it it drives me crazy inside i dont know what to do i guess what i need to say is it all up to you im not sayin i dont care i just dont know what to say or do anymore that kinda just flipped my world upside down and im kinda lost now i hope that you are ok and all and well i dont know i just think that we need to know if i did fuck up really bad and shit i dont know what im talkin about so im gonna sing or some shit


WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU NEEDED ME I GUESS I WAS WRONG....TEXAS CRY'S!!

IS IT WORTH IT CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME STANDIN WITH YOUR SPOT LITE ON ME NOT ENUF TO FEED THE HUNGRY IM TIRED AND IVE FELT IT FOR AWHILE NOW IN THIS SEA OF LONELY THE TASTE OF THIS IS GETTIN OLD ITS 4 O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKIN MORNING ITS DAY GETS MORE LIKE THE LAST DAY STILL I CAN SEE IT COMEING WALK STEADY IN THE RIVER DROWNDING THIS COULD BE MY CHANCE TO BREAKOUT THIS COULD BE MY CHANCE TO SAY GOOD BYE ATLAST ITS FINALLY OVER I COULDNT TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER HALF DEAD AND THATS NOT WHAT I PLANNED TO BE SO HERE I AM ALIVE AT LAST AND ILL SAVOR EVERY MOMENT OF THIS

kill me please

man i fucked up real bad now and i just got the shit scared outta me i need to talk to someone but till i do im gonna go fer a walk so yea peace

im so not cool

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

my knife

ummmm.....yea i lost my knife last nite so like yea i have to get that back or ill freak out and use a differnt knife and cut the shit outta me and anyone who is near me

but yea my stomic hurts so im gonna go look fer some booze

im still kinda worried

man i dont know but i might have made a mistake last nite but ehh i didnt sleep much cuse i was thinkin about it but yea i dont feel good my stomic hurts i need to quit fuckin worrieing about it but yea i already miss alex and shit so im gonna go eridy called me and woke me up then she hung up on me so yea im outta here

Monday, October 11, 2004

get out of my head cuze i dont need this

yea im fuckin thinkin of some shit i shouldnt be thinkin about i dont need to torture myself over her no more i mean i think i have been threw enuf to be worried about something that dosent matter i bet i wont even talk about it with her i am thinkin she wont even talk to me and if she dose i dont think that she will ever talk to me again still i can see it comein i feel like im gonna die when it dose but ehh fuck it i will always remeber her and just cuse we dont talk dont mean i dont still care its just that it is easyier to just not talk about it but yea it dose bother me and well me writein it down kinda helps but that might not be good enuf when i see her again i think i will degress to fuckin bleeding out the pain i know its not healthy and shit but it works and i already broke my promise like a bunch of times so well now i have no reason not to the promise is dead i killed it just like i killed everything good in my life so fuck it man yes i do care what you have to say and im sure im haveing a really bad day im sick of bein tired and im tired of bein sick she climbed out on to the fire escape and said what are you doin you know its late people told me that you were back but im wonderin why is that once a long time ago i caught a glimps of you alone and i was so very scared but i took the toughts and stripped them away and said hey now who you lovein hey now who you lovein i saw you on the television saw you on the television i see sound from all around i see sound

o baby was i wrong

i didnt mean fer it to end this way i dont like this but i cant change it it is too late so fer now all i can do is dwell on the past and shit feel all depressed and shit and well i dont know what to do im fuckin pist my msn aint workin no mo thats fuckin bullshit i wanted to see if ther was anything to do but ther isnt so fuck man all the time i dont know what the fuck i am writein didnt i see you cryin feeling all alone without a freind ya know you feel like dieing man people that walk around this town look dumb like they dont look normal or maybe its me ehh its me i think alot of people look weird like inbred and shit like remsin and shit masen knows what im talkin about he saw the mullets they were everywher we are being over run by mullets people so its time to take action and if you see a mullet go and cut that shit off or just kill the inbred that is wearin it no fuck that dont do nuttin fuck yall ya dumb bitch

i dont give a fuck

ther are alot of things that i have never told
and i wont i cant its just not anyones bussiness
its my problems and i will deal with them
and if i cant then fuck that
one day it will all be done and over
tell then i will just kinda be here
but thats just something that i will deal wit when it comes
and not befor
this is the way i feel al the time and shit
i dont need this way of life
ther are so many better ways
but ther not fer me
im spost to feel like this
always have and ther is no point in changein
just so that others can stand me
man fuck them and fuck you
and fuck myself i aint shit
ill never be shit
i never was shit
so im just a pile of shit
man fuck it
i dont care no more this is it
the last thing on my mind
and will be till the day i die
it is now and always was you
and well when i die
the last thought i will have will be about us
and how happy we could have been
thats in the past now
wher i was left
long ago just a thing
that you wished you never had
all along i knew it wouldnt last
we are just not ment to be
im not ment to be with anyone
im just not ment to be happy so fuck it

im done with this thought fuck it

why did you leave me

you run away when i need you i dont know why you run away man i should have told her now its gonna just eat away at me and prolly her tell i do and shit and i dont know when that will be it could be forever why did you leave me i thought you said you loved me i thought you said you need me i guess i was wrong yea well i dont know what the fuck i am doin i think im in a bad mood but ehh fuck it it will all work out in the end or i will kill myself so either way im only gonna be kinda happy so fuck im just kinda stuck.............

Sunday, October 10, 2004

man i dont get it just cant cope

man i want to talk to alex but like she aint talkin to me so yea i dont know if intentional but i dont think it is but then again i dont know maybe she is on a mission come and take a walk wit me i need all of yall to come and take a walk wit me
yyyyyyeeeeeeesssssssss im gonna talk to alex

this wasnt her dream it was mine

yea i just membered something but i am gonna deleate it so fuck it man i dont even know....

Saturday, October 09, 2004

i see sound

from all around i see sound from all around from all around i see sound i see sound from all around from all around from all around i see sound i see sound i see sound

yea i didnt get to see alex now my day is gonna suck balls and shit i dont know what im gonna do today masen is goin to a thingy and shit and well i dont think that i am goin so ill prolly just wonder around town and shit and try to find something to do

Friday, October 08, 2004

trippin out

ok well i was sittin on the strip waitin fer cindy to go by so she could see me and shit but she didnt so i left and shit and sat at home waitin to get on the internet so i could see if alex was on and shit then emly called and shit man i am gonna have to go fer another walk soon so i can get high i like walkin around smokein pot and well i can think and thats good sometimes but tonite i think im gonna go skatein and shit till i wanna get high or find someone to smoke wit but i dont think that anyone will be out so i will end up smokein by myself and well i want to see alex but like some shit happend and she aint gonna get to come see me and if she dose i wont know this is bullshit i need a car i dont care i dont have a license i would still drive down ther and shit to see her but fer now im gonna go so yea,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Thursday, October 07, 2004

walk with me

i think im gonna go take a walk and well i dont know i need to think about some things so i can stay saine fer a little while longer i need someone to come and take a walk with me i need some one to feel what im goin threw see what i see thats in a song but its what i want but noone to walk with

no feelin at all

i dont feel good but i went and applied fer a job today hey you what you gonna do about to fire up another so i can get higher i need to get high or something maybe i just need a nap well fuck it im outta here fuck this shit

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

no respect none

yea i dont know what to do i wanna see alex really bad but she is gone and i am here so fuck man i need a beer or something i wanna drink o dude i am gonna see if masen wants to get drunk tomarrow that would be cool

cindy wants to see me im so cool

i love you to love me i want you to want me

the boys of summer

i can tell you my love will be strong after the boys of summer are gone yea this song always makes me sad so im gonna go now and fuckin bleed somehow prolly cuttin but i dont know im out tho

if you said you loved me

man i dont feel good i want to talk to alex but she aint around well atleast as far as i know she aint around but ehh shit happens i want you to want me i need you to need me id love you to love me im beggin you to beg me thats a killa ass song man i think im gonna go fer a walk later all lookin weird just kinda walk around with a skateboard i think its spost to rain tonite i hope it dose then i can go and stand in the rain man i dont know what the fuck is goin on rite now this song is fuckin wit me man ther is deffently something wrong with me same old song just a drop of water in an endless sea

i gets no respect thats the story of my life no respect


this is fuckin bullshit

man i got a fuckin ticket today fer rideing my bike on the sidewalk thats fuckin gay but my hair is black now i like it i lost my eyeliner tho thats fuckin bullshit too but today when i got outta bed i had an email from alex that has got to be the coolest fuckin thing that happend today i was in a good mood till i got a ticket fer some bullshit and now that i cant find my eyeliner im kinda mad but im gonna go and look fer it some more so fuck it im outta here

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

times almost up

ok well when i made this i had a plan and well its almost up so at the end of this mounth i am done with this blog yep holloween is the last nite that im gonna post in here then i dont know i might get a new one but this one is dead

we got one on you

lies make it better lies keep your mouth shut lies i dont have anything to say so im outta here

Monday, October 04, 2004

your a high horse ridin o so complex mutha fucka and im so simple!

ummmm................yea fuck it

she left a note that said im sorry i had a bad day

man this is dumb i wanna do something and im fuckin freezeing my balls off i shouldnt have left my window open last nite it got fuckin cold in my room i just wish someone was ther fer me to hold but ther wasnt im just a lonely loser ass mutha fucka i hate myself im so dumb my heads full of hell and this world is just a jail it dont matter and i dont care cuse everything hard is here and everything good is over ther but yea i dont know what to do i saw kilie last nite and i dont know i kinda got sad when i saw her man dont noone know how i feel well someone dose but she aint around and its not kd its someone else but she hasnt talked to me in a long ass time but i told her everything about me and she still liked me it was weird i didnt understand at the time but i think that if i didnt fuck up i could have kept her is it worth it can she even hear me in this see of lonely still i can see it comein this could be my chance to break out this could be my chance to be free i wonder what masen is doin i wonder if kilie is still here i think she is prolly in souix city or on her way ther man i dont know what i am thinkin so i think im just gonna go now i dont need this shit this is bullshit so im fuckin outta here so fuck off and peace out

something weird

sit back and relax and smoke a fuckin joint becaus i wanna get high and i dont care we can smoke till we die i dont give a fuck i dont have any reason to be sittin here im just kinda fuck zoneing out and shit it kinda cool bitchs gotta be acting scandalus but fuck them fuck that guy and muth fuck your ass dont sit ther and be all like yea this is dumb a lunitic is not always insaine lookin fer my mind i cant find it and fuck every mother fucker out ther talkin shit fuck him and his whole mutha fuckin click you look like you got something to say well come on bitch bring that shit and peep this freaky shit goin down ask me were my brain is i dont know it fuckin over you ho!!

yea thats kinda fuckin dumb dont wait on a knight in shinny armor your savior is reflected in the mirror the fact is everyone bleeds when ther cut so we are all the same and ill fuckin cut your ass

yea im done with this and emly if you really need to talk to someone then i guess you can talk to me unless its gonna like cause some drama or piss me off...................ok

savor every moment of this

man i saw alex 2 times today and i dont know about me like i think about her all the time and i talk to her on the internet and emails and shit but when she is around me i dont know how to act like today i tried talkin to her but it didnt really work and the second time i got high and just kinda looked at her alot but yea i dont know what im doin here so im gonna go now fuck all yall

Saturday, October 02, 2004

smokin pot man its great

man i think im gonna get a joint and go fer a walk downtown and smoke it last nite me and masen were walkin away from the theator and we lit a joint then we got a ride home from emlys freind but yea i think im gonna go fer a walk tonite and get all smoked out and think maybe it will be a good thing but i dont think it will so fuck it we all gonna die someday rite

fuck it

so here i am its in my head and ill savor every moment of this yea i dont know whats happinin but yea i just wanted to mention alex and jazzy and emly and thanks emly but no i dont think i will be able to talk about shit sorry im just not good at it but yea to alex peace out baby fuckin get ahold of me sometime
and jazzy whuts up
and emly dudeman

im out this shit so fuck off

Friday, October 01, 2004

was this for real

yea im fuckin high i need to smoke more pot like alot more i still remeber and thats the fuckin problem so fuck it i saw jazzy tonite she was lookin good but i prolly shouldnt think like that and fuck those fuckin kids that were driveing around tonite they suck fuckin balls fuckin faggots i talked to danny to i dont know why i dont think we had problems but then again we prolly did and i just dont member so fuck it but yea masen needs to get the fuck outta the movies so that i can get high i need to smoke this joint and well if he dont hurry ill prolly just smoke it at his garage and shit and play my guitar but yea we are gonna go to lake view tomarrow that should be fun i hope it is but yea im gonna go now

and everything good is gone and everything bad is here

it dosnt really matter now dose it rehab knows whats up it dont matter and i dont care
and everything is hard to bare and every thing is hard to bare man i dont know what the fuck to do today my fuckin mom won like 300 dollas today it is dumb she all took me and shirley and sean and chris and the babys out to eat and shit now i think i am sick i was never good at goodbye can i swallow this bottle whole so this brain in my head can forget your face you were the finest thing to happen to a boy like me man this sucks ass i hate today its fuckin cold and wet i think im gonna go and write a song or some shit

no

man this is bullshit i am fuckin all depressed and shit so fuck all of you im out

i had a bad day again

man all day i was in a bad mood i dont know why i think all this thinkin is gettin to me maybe its cuze i am scared of what is gonna happin soon i know its gonna happin soon i can feel it i kinda want it to just so that i can get it over with so i dont have to worrie about it all the time you sat me down beside myself with all the reasons i was wrong for you im gonna over come this paper harts cant win this time and all along i should have known this wasnt your dream it was mine man this song is fuckin mind warpin hehe alot of the songs i listen to are its great i wonder just how much i have changed in this year ha ha ha alot i still dont wanna live tho feels like im drowning in this firewater lake i do seriously i dont wanna live no more this is bullshit i cant live like this and i cant change the way i am so im kinda fucked but eh ill just fuck wit people till i die maybe people will get mad enuf at me and kill me that would be the shit texas crys look inside but i feel you i dont know why you run away when i need you man fuck i cant stop thinkin about kd i know im gonna end up seein her sometime soon i dont know what im gonna do im leanin toward kinda just runnin away cuze i dont think i can handle it i know its been like forever but i dont know i still feel the same as i did back then and well it hurts and i know i fucked up and its my fault so what the fuck can i do i sure the fuck dont know man why did tony have to be like that and fuckin make me think about her all tellin me to give her the letter i wrote her i got my reasons fer not giveing it to her i dont want her to have to deal with it wher she is like she said im part of her past and she has to move on yea so like what i herd was i was gettin left in the past with all the feelings that we shared in the past i wish i could go back but i know i would still just fuck up this is bullshit man i cant do this forever i already kinda started cuttin again but its ok cuze well noone can see them so its kinda like ther not ther so its kool its like a lil secret that i just kinda told but eh i dont think anyone is gonna read this whole thing so fuck it i dont know why but i am usein my blog as a way to vent i was doin ok holdin it to myself till emly all wanted me to talk about it and shit but it would have taken too long so i didnt i think i might have talked to her about it dont know why but i think she would have understood me and well i guess thats kinda what i want in a way i wish people did understand me but no noone dose well some one did but i fucked that up and since then i havent really let anyone get to know me i guess it is easier to just kinda fake it damn man im a fuckin poser damn im a loser i hate me but yea this so aint gonna make sence to anyone that reads it if any one dose ther are kinda song lyrics just randomly scattered about in this so ehh when i read it later i will understand it but then i kinda know what i am sayin just noone else dose i dont know what is wrong with me i just know something is wrong with me hahaha tonite emly asked me how long my longest realtionship was and i told her but my average is like 2 mouths i got lucky one time and it was kool fer like 3 years but i was young and those days are so far gone that it dont even like to think about them besides i dont have anything to offer any girl so i dont see how i can compet with everyone else atleast not now maybe some time like down the road and shit i might have something but that is a long time away and i dont know if i will make it so fuck worriein about it i am done here my work is done i kinda feel a little better but i still think im gonna end up bleedin by morning i always am but fuck it we bleed just to know we are alive