Friday, May 07, 2004

well kd called me tonite and said she felt really bad about breakin up with me and all this shit and then she said she was gonna call me at 1130 or i was spost ta call her but i didnt and well i dont know if she is still wantin ta talk to me but i will talk to her before i go to work yea i got a job fer the weekend but i dont know if i wanna do it but i need to so im gonna i really want to see kd but i cant so im just gonna have to deal wit it but i dont wanna i want her back and i think she dont want that to happen so ill just have to deal wit my hart bein broke and me goin into cold mode were i dont care about anything nothin will concern me i wont even care if i die i really wanna die just so i dont have to deal with all this shit i cant handel it my mind has been fucked up so many times i dont know what is real anymore but i am makin a promise to myself that i wont alow anyone to hurt me again so i just am gonna grow old by my mutha fuckin self and well fuck all of you (jazzy excluded) i cant beleave i got so attached so quick i shouldnt have went out with her i knew i would get hurt but i couldnt just keep livin in regret i just wish she wouldnt have played with my emotions like she did and im sorry jazzy about doin it to you i didnt know what i was doin to you but now that i do i cant beleave that i didnt see it and stop it i wish kd would read this so she knows how i feel cuze well everytime i tryed to tell her i choked like a little bitch i hate myself and i wanna die and ther is only 4 reasons why i dont but im not sayin them cuze if i do theyll get taken away like everything else cuze well god hates me i think that in a pat life i was like a killer or something and now im just in hell and ill just suffer fer all eternity well thats how the last 19 years have been god i wanna see kd so bad i cant stand this i dont wanna be apart from her and she knows that but i cant bitch about her too much cuze well i love her always have always will

yea i know you dont read this but i love you kd

and well i cant deal with bein away from you

i wanna be with you all the time

but i know now that that will never happen well atleast i dont think it will happen

but maybe it will and ill be happy fer a while but then i will get hurt and get cold

someone once said that everytime you get your hart broke it leaves a scar if thats true i dont have a hart no more its just one big scar

and it hurts

im gonna go and hit myself in the head till im unconsius



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